Your Light Shines

I liked to walk in the rain, being out in the rain was soothing, I was out in the world, a part of it, but also finding solitude. I have struggled most of my life with depression. In seminary, I was struggling with everything, especially wondering about my place in the world and if I was 'good enough.' One time I was out walking, and there was a tree that I would sometimes sit under to try to relax and slow down. It was raining so not a lot of people were around, they were inside staying dry. That evening, I poured my heart out to God, telling them how things didn't seem to be going well, how I felt inadequate, and my struggles. I don't know how long I did that but I was sobbing at the end. All of a sudden, I heard a twig snap behind me like someone was behind me and felt a presence. My head looked up and it had stopped raining and everything was perfectly still, no rain, no cars, no people. I felt all the emotions just drain away from me in that moment and I felt, really felt the peace that passes all understanding. It was amazing!! Amazing!! 

The next couple weeks, I imagine my eyes were spinning and popping out of my head and I was telling everyone this great peace that I experienced. After a while it kind of faded, and my worries and all that came back. I had forgotten about it after a while, because it didn't last and all my problems didn't melt away. 

We had a short story today and if you picked up the Bible and continued to read the story, you would hear that Jesus and the three would come down the mountain and find that the rest were struggling to heal a child and Jesus gets frustrated with them because of their unbelief and inability to help people. Jesus before this story tells them that he is the Messiah and that the Messiah has to be killed. Peter is like, "No Way! This is not the way." Jesus replies, "You are wrong Peter, this is the Way!" 

Up on that mountain, Jesus is talking with Moses and Elijah, who represented the history of God's relationship with Israel. Peter, James, and John are there to represent the future of the church. The cloud descends on them, reminding all of when Moses led the people out of Egypt and slavery and God's presence descended on the Mount Sinai, the Ark of the Covenant, and out in the wilderness. A voice, God's voice speaks out, "This is my beloved! Listen to him!" And then, the disciples are alone with Jesus and it's time to descend and go back to the world. 

You are loved! You are loved! What is our reaction to when you are told that? Some of us will respond with bravado, "Dang right I am loved!" believe we are entitled to the love, but scared that it can be lost. Some of us will respond with, "Yea, well, maybe, but you don't know..." thinking we aren't worthy or enough. Some of us will smile and maybe respond that I am love, all are loved, because we can trust in that and believe in that even when things aren't perfect, especially when they aren't perfect. 

I have tried to get that peace that passes all understanding back. I have found it in small doses and in small ways, but the Spirit blows where it will. But as God tells the disciples, breathing in that peace, that mountaintop isn't our goal.  My calling was not to sit under that tree. Peter, James, and John wanted to stay on that mountain, but were led away from it. Our goal is to listen and follow. It is to heal and love. It is to find our people, our community, and go together to transform the world. We start with our hearts, our minds, our souls, and our bodies, loving God, loving neighbors, and loving ourselves. We open ourselves to God's light by being still at times, then we set out to share it with the world. Amen.